and I should read between the lines

More than just a dog.

2007-03-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

Do any of my fellow bloggers have any pets? I do I have a cocker spaniel, border collie mix. Her name is Cocoa, when we got her she was so little and had brown and black fur and looked like a hot cup of cocoa. We got Cocoa when I was 6 years old. I am now 20 and Cocoa she is 14. I have noticed many changes in my dog lately, loss of sight and hearing. She is definately not as energetic as she was and she sleeps all the time. The other day my family were in the living room and my mom noticed that Cocoa's mouth was a swollen. We all thought it was just a bad tooth or something, so we called the vet to check and they said we should bring her in. We made an appointment for the next day at 3 p.m. My parents and I all went, there we were crammed in a little room with the dog and the vet. She started checking her out and decided she really didn't know what the swollen lumpy thing on Cocoa's mouth was. So she had to take some cells out of it and look at them under the microscope and figure out what it was. The vet was gone for awhile. And the three of us were all confident that it was nothing just a bad tooth or a growth, and we began to feel silly that we even went in to see the vet. Finally she came back in the room and told us that the "bad tooth" we hoped for was actually cancer. That's all it took for tears to come pouring out of my mom and my eyes. We added it up in our heads, Cocoa needs surgery, she is so old, and the chances of her waking up out of surgery was slim (she had an operation two years ago and didn't do well with it). Needless to say yesterday was a bad day. I know all you non-animal lovers are probably thinking I am insane. "It's just a dog". Not to me. She isn't just a dog. First of all I have a huge heart of living, breathing things, human, animal whatever if it is hurt in anyway I feel complete sadness for anything in pain. Even if it is in a movie or on television if I see or hear about someone or something hurt I feel so bad and it ruins my day because it's all I think about. I'm weird who does that? Anyways, back to my dog. I grew up with Cocoa, I had her since I was 6. She is my best friend. In school I never had any good friends or really any at all. It was so hard for me, when I came home crying from school Cocoa was always there willing to go outside and play with me. She always knew when I was upset, it sounds silly but it is true when ever I cried she always came and sat by me and just let me pet her. When my parents were upset with me Cocoa understood, we both are often yelled at by them. When David went insane and broke up with me for a week, I was miserable and Cocoa was by my side and let me cry into her fur and tell her how lucky she was that she was fixed and didn't have to deal with horrible males! She is more than our pet, she is our family. We sign her name to birthday card, she sits by the dinner table, goes on our vacations, gets christmas presents and mom even made her a stocking. She is involved in everything, she completes our family. And is probably the most loved member. Everything in my life is not going well or the way I want it to. Here is the icing on that crappy cake.

Cha-ta-go or Chi-town or Chicagoland

2007-02-16T11:34:00.000-08:00

So last weekend my life group took a little trip to Chicago. It was my first time in the windy city. We had a blast, we arrived late friday night and we were all so tired we blew up our air matteresses and went to sleep. Saturday morning the 10 of us woke up and very slowly all got ready to leave for the city! First we had to stop to get gas, and at the gas station we saw none other than the legend, the great, the talented and disgustingly wealthy, OPRAH! No not really but the lady we did see kind of looked like her, she was driving a BMW and was wearing expensive looking clothes. But I'm pretty sure Oprah has a limo driver and does not pump gas. It was the running joke that everyone Amanda saw looked like Oprah because I made it clear that if I saw Oprah I would fall over in shock. I unashamedly love Oprah. Say what you will, she is awesome. Anyways back to the trip. We finally got to the city, which was AMAZING! I loved it, I still love it. The buildings, the stores, the people! It was freezing but there were people everywhere, walking here and there. Glorious is what it was! We went up to the Hancock tower, 94 stories up and the view was sweet. We took a bunch of pictures then finally decided it was time for lunch. We put in our name for the Cheesecake Factory, the wait was an hour so we decided to hit the streets for a bit. It was fun to walk around and cross the street with a massive amount of people who will trample all over you if you don't walk fast enough or get out of their way quick enough. Seriously, we were all crossing the street and David and I were walking together and a sea of people came at us and we parted faster than the Red Sea. It was scary! Finally it was time for food! Oh boy the Cheesecake Factory was great. I have never been so full in my entire life, Rob, Nicole, David and I shared a piece of cheesecake, a big, yummy piece of cheesecake. One slice there is between 6 and 10 dollars.
After we rolled ourselves back to the cars we left for the Chris Tomlin concert. I haven't seen him in concert before. He was great, it was a wonderful worship experience, he is a great leader and very humble in how he leads people. After that we went back to the house and ate some snacks and goofed around for entirely too long, then hit the sack and slept until 10 sunday morning.
That was the trip in a nut shell. Full of fun and laughs. Made some really good new friendships, got to worship our God, ate 10 dollar cheesecake, no Oprah sightings, but had a great time.

In other news... I smashed my car today. Yep. Right into a van. I think there was black ice on the road and I just didn't stop in time. It sucks. My poor vehicle it looks bad, I should have taken a picture. The van however had a little dent in the back of it that was it. It happens to the best of us...right...at least that is what I am telling myself. It's okay no one was hurt and it's getting fixed.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and stays safe on the road.

FYI

2007-02-06T15:20:00.000-08:00

If you didn't already know....

Margie is the GREATEST! So if you read her blog or talk to her tell her that she is awesome.

Worship song

2007-01-19T13:18:00.000-08:00

You're life died for mine
and your eyes cry for times
that I ran away
All of my sin
watch as I walk away

Your son died for love
and your heart still loves me
for who I am
As I run
I stop I don't wanna
go through that again
it wears me down so thin

And as I break I feel your heart so
close to mine and all this time you're
faithful to your word
And even though I'm dirty through the
deepest parts of my soul you clean it with your hands
You're dirty once again

So this loves been reaveled this love that so easily heals
found in my place- it meets me face to face

You stand as I am and I feel the softest heartbeat of a God become a man
-and I just raise my hands you love me for the best
embrace my holiness

this song reminds me that Jesus takes away our sin everyday, and that he not only died on the cross for us all but becomes "dirty" with our sin. Praise the Lord for all He does.

happy new year

2007-01-02T12:17:00.000-08:00

Happy new year! 2007 came out of nowhere I swear. Well to clear things up from the last post. David and I got back together. We broke up for a week. I don't want to go into details about everything. But we are working things out with some help from our life group leaders Rob and Nicole. It is going great though I think the break up was a reality check. I'm excited to see what 2007 will bring for us. And me individually. I don't know if I posted it but I'm not going back to Eastern. At all! I'm happy about that but I don't know where to go next. I still don't know what I want to do. My parents really want me to figure that out quickly. So I'm trying. Hopefully the new year will bring about some new changes in my future. I'm going to now go look up some schools and such.

2006-12-21T09:56:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend of a year broke up with me a couple nights ago. I feel like someone died. I don't care about anything. I'm confused and hurt and I just want him back. We have been having problems and no doubt did we go about correcting them in the right manner. we both needed to heal from things and we didn't give ourselfs the time or the right to do it. we just jumped back into it and were at each others throats b/c we were mad and frustrated by our actions. We didn't ask for help from Godly conseual( i can't spell today sorry). Or pray about it together. We had been talking and praying individually about marriage and even told my parents or desires. and we never got sick of telling each other that we couldn't wait to be married. He told me he loved me more than anyone and was never going to break up with me. Than sunday night he told me that for months he had been praying about it and for months God told him to not be with me. I just can' tbelieve it b/c it doesn't make any sense. Sure he seemed distance but through that time he took me shopping for an engagement ring! we picked one out and everything. that was like 2 weeks ago yet then he didn't want to be with me. It doesn't make any sense. I begged and pleaded for a chance to do things right with real help but he said he lost hope. I told him he was giving up and God can help us b/c I know He wants us to be together. I know it. I even prayed and prayed before we even started dating that if this guy wasn't the one than I don't want to start anything. Then during it all he says if you love someone you let them go and if it is meant to be they'll come back to you? now i have to put my hope in Christ and not my hope in getting back together with David. which is hard b/c I really really really want him back . So how do you really know if you hear the voice of God telling you what to do? Maybe I'm just lying to myself. But my life without him is really hard.

major drama

2006-11-10T16:13:00.000-08:00

so I need to finally decide on a major and I don't know what to pick any suggestions????

2006-10-27T14:10:00.000-07:00

Hey, so it has been like, 4 months since my last update? Told you all I wasn't going to be very consistent with this whole thing. I was just reading some blogs of my dear friends and realized that I haven't posted in way too long. Here is an update of my life since the last one. Well I'm in school, and disliking it, but does anyone really like school anyways? I have recently decided that I should work my butt of and get out as fast as possible.
I am almost at my wits end with my job, I think it is time I look for a new center to work at. I did get a raise though, I now make 7.16 an hour. woo hoo. It is truly sad how happy it made me when I found out.
Fuel is going okay. Sometimes it makes me sad that Wally is our youth pastor anymore. Nothing at all against Adam I love him. But I get so nostalgic of the old days. They were the best, working with Walbert was the greatest and it is just not the same. Anyway last week at Fuel was incredibly stressful. There are a certain number of kids of just don't listen. They were 2 girls who had me ripping my hair out almost. They insisted on staying out in the hallway to wait for their friend that was supposed to be coming. Well 20 mintues past and the friend still wasn't there and I told them Fuel had been going on for some time and it was time to get in there and particapate. well that took us into a 15 minute arguement about going in, so I gently tried to move the girl inside, when she said "I'll hit you, I'm not going in until my friend gets here" and I said "you will see your friend when and if she comes, lets go" so she slapped me in the arm. Not hard of course, but still, completely uncalled for. So after some time, they came in. When we entered everyone was playing musical chairs, and I was standing by the door because sometimes the kids like to run around the buliding (we don't own the building) so I stood there, and a boy came up, and had to go to the bathroom, Adam said not to let them go to the bathroom, unless they are going to pee their pants. So I was following orders when the boy insisted on going pee. Long story short, the boy grabbed my shoulders and shoved me into the hallway. I said hey man come on wait a few more minutes and you can go then I took him by the shoulder and tried to get him back into the room, when he then again started shoving me! Luckily a fellow leader and good friend Dennis, saw and saved me! It was the craziest thing. But I was so upset that I just started crying! I mean it was bad night, and there has been issues lately with some kids just walking all over me and being disrespectful. I'm just so frustrated with all this. Anyway David could tell that something was upsetting me, even though I was trying to hide it. So I told him what happened and he pulled the three kids aside and told them they needed to apologize and stuff. It's a good thing because I would have just let it go. The point of the story is that youth minsitry is stressful. I love it though. I have considered just leaving it though after monday, but there is ups and downs.
Well in happier news David and I finally talked to my parents about us getting married. And it wasn't World War 3. It went so much better than we thought. At the start of the conversation my dad was pissed! But then he was alright about it. They said they wanted us to wait until I was done with school. But that is a while away, and their fear was that I wouldn't finish if I got married first. I quickly told them that wasn't the case. So it went alright. I'm happy we got it out of the way. Well that is it I guess. Keep it real!

Procrastinators unite tomorrow

2006-07-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

Dang, I guess I didn't realize that it has been an entire month since I posted last. Not that there was much to update. I believe I gave a warning that I wouldn't be posting everyday...I just am a procrastinator. That is probably why I did awful in school. I have an awful habit of putting things off until last minute, then on top of my awful memory, I swear I have the attention span of a nat. In fact....what were we talking about?? Yeah that was lame but I had to throw that joke in there. Speaking of school. I am going back to Eastern.. Yeah that discussion was a drama at the Capra household. I don't want to give all the details so here is a summary. Basically mom said that I had to go back there and I wanted to transfer. I talked to my daddy who at first was reluctant but then realized that it wasn't the worst idea. Mom on the other hand firmly and I do mean firmly disagreed. So long story short. Eastrn is where they want me, it makes them happy. Eastern is where I will stay earn a degree. It okay all I want to do is make them proud and this will do it. So it is what I am doing. I changed my schedule from the past semesters which I think will help. Instead of going everyday or MWF, I am going tuesdays and thursdays, starting at 11, which means I don't have to leave my house at 6:45 to make it to an 8am class. So I will be working my butt of to do the best I can. Which means I might have to give up some of my time spent of Fuel and core groups and David and friends to do it. But that alright, it has to be done. Anyways before I forget. My best friend Kalyn's birthday is today, she is 18 woo hooo and we are going to hopefully play bingo tomorrow. I know we are going to get a manicure tomorrow at Sloane's mom's salon. Sloane is in Fuel and I absoluetly adore her! Kay had a bad day, so my mission tomorrow is to celebrate her and make dang sure she has a blast.

I was reading Wally's blog and I read something that be recently posted about the bible. "it's not homework it's lifework" dang that made a whole lot of sense. I have to be honest when I say that I haven't read my bible in a while. I always here those talks about how God deserves our time and blah blah. I obviously believe it. But for some reason, knowing that and actually doing it doesn't click with me. I mean I'm in a drought with God but that is my fault it's not like God is too busy to hang out with me. Dang He is stinkin' here right now. I hear Him ask for a minute of my time. But I just give God the hand. How awful of us to give our Creator the diss like that. Oh sorry God umm American Idol is on, so after that. Good thing God isn't like me, or we'd all be in trouble. "oh sorry creation I meant to listen to your prayers but I was too busy commenting on John the Baptists myspace". I have to get it into my head that the reason I feel like I'm lacking joy in my life is because i'm letting myself. And we really make it easy for the enemy to creep in by doing stuff like that. Putting of life like that. It has given him a foothold in my life for way to long. I procrastinate at everything, but this is way too important. It blows my mind how much God loves me. The Creator of all wants me.

East side v West Side.

2006-06-27T17:33:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was the day. I dropped Spearhead off on the west side of the state. It was weird. It still hasn't hit me that she is gone, for good. We took the 3 hour trip there with only one minor set back, but we made it in pretty good time. Wally and Sarah's house is beautiful, or at least it will be when they are completely done. I really wish that I could move in to. Mel's room is nice. When is was time for me to head home, it was strange I said bye to her, and we were both sad, but it didn't seem like well I'll see you when I see you. It is odd to think she is living life somewhere else. I'm not worried she'll be well taken care of. The other side of the state is great if you have never been I highly recommend visiting. I would love to live there one day. It is much prettier than the east side. The people are a bit friendlier too.

Well to catch you up with my life. Last week Fuel went to Kings Island. It was crazy! Crazy fun! We played lots of cool games and some of us girls were up all night. No help from the guys who decided to make a ridiculous amount of noise at a ridiculous hour of the night/morning. Which caused some girls to scream about how they just wanted to sleep and the guys wouldn't shut up. So Kay and I went downstairs and yelled at them. Jim made it impossible to do though b/c everytime I went to say that they had to be quiet he insisted on telling us how a student could sing the national anthem with his mouth shut. It was really hard not to laugh. So they were quiet for a little while, and then we went back down and they were beating each other up with a noodle, you know the big foam ones for pools. Annoying but we couldn't help but laugh. Kings Island was cool, I've never really been before so it was a new experience. The night before David and I had a long talk in the hallway. We fixed a lot of things that we both needed to have fixed it was good. For the first time in a while, I feel less insecure, and like our realtionship is finally going in the direction we want it, it is at least headed that way. Sunday was nice we spent some time together, we went to Mancino's for a bit and we beat the crap out of each other, well he actually beat me up, I kind of just ran into him and it hurt me more than it hurt him. Then we spent some time reading the book of Matthew, then we went for a dirve on Grosse Ile. Which is like my favorite things to do with him. We talked a lot and it was awesome. I'm grateful to have such a patient and giving guy as my boyfriend.
On the way home from Kings Island, we were driving into a storm and there was this crazy lighting storm in front of us it was crazy! We were listening to Crowder and doing that and watching the lighting made me really realize again how powerful my God is. Lighting is so amazing, just how is can strike things down and light up the whole sky, it's crazy. and it was cool to think that the same God who made that made me as well, it was a really spiritual moment I had in the car. I felt so close with God in a way I haven't experienced before. It actually made me cry. Our God is crazy awesome.

fun in the sun

2006-06-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

Thursday one of my best friends, Kalyn, graduated high school. It was so awesome I went to the ceremony and I got to see her graduate, I screamed my head off for her too. I also got to see Rachel and Megan and Nick graduate too, that was a huge bonus. She was soo excited to be done. HEr family invited me to Mongolian BBQ with them. They are crazy people but it was sweet. I saw Joyce Todd their too! I LOVE HER! She is such a sweetheart. That was sweet. Kalyn and I stuffed ourselves on two bowls and a dessert. I could barely walk afterward.
Friday I went to a birthday party for Jessie a Fueler. And then today Kay and I took a couple Fuel girls to the beach. It was awesome, we bonded, and tanned, ate food, and just had quality girl time. Kay and I were of course exhausted after but it was worth it. I love those girls. Well I"m off. Toodles.

Dating is akward, and so is this post.

2006-06-04T11:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I had came with a warning label, or disclaimer, or some sort of manual. That way my actions or at least my temper would come as less of a shock. Or perhaps I should just give people a tazer gun for when I'm around. And I start acting and saying ridiculous things or I just get furious, and you don't really understand why. Or a rewind and fast forward button as well as an erase would be quite helpful. I have my fathers temper. That's nothing to brag about. At all. It is quite bad. You say one thing that hurts me and BOOM! It's on! I hate it. I'm trying to work on not being so emotional. Part of it is in my blood I think. Being Italian all of the fam is pretty much the same. I'm talking to God about it. Is that really something he can change, I don't think so b/c it's part of me but it is something to be tweeked a little. Well a lot. All of this is really me just analyzing myself, and my behavior last night. Yea if you haven't guessed me and the boy once again in an arguement. It seems like all we do is fight. That's not true. I'm told it's just a stage, it's been 6 months and this is something to work through. But it's starting to bother me. I doubt we will break up, but I can't handle the arguements. Granted they have all been my fault. I always start everything. But last night my feelings were hurt pretty badly. I think we both owe and deserve an apology. I just wish he would call me back. Although with having a hot temper, I am the most impatient person you'll ever meet. This was also passed down to me from my loving father. Great guy, but the two of us can't wait two mintues for anything without one of us saying "are you kidding me I'm not getting any younger" it's quite awful. I think one thing I hate the most is waiting for a phone call. An answer to your question, "is everything going to be okay" And on top of just waiting I'm scared of having to talk it all out, of what we might say. I hate dating. I pray that I will marry this guy, not only b/c I would want to be with him forever just so I don't have to date again. I'm not saying that I don't like dating him. I do I'm having fun and you have to get to know each other. But it's all the other stuff i hate and I don't think I can go through it again. I prayed I would only date one guy and that be it. I hope it's coming true. Dating is akward. And at times extremely frustrating. To move on to another topic, since I've jumped from thing to thing, b/c I need to vent and this blog is the only "person" that is here for me right now. Guys just don't understand girls, well duh that isn't anything knew. I love how different God made men and women. But I hate that we can't always understand the other. For instance. Most girls, when they say that they are upset and start talking about your relationship, the wrong thing to do is say that you are just tired and not really respond to her and then when she gets up to leave you just let her go. Don't let her go, just b/c she is mad, doesn't mean you shouldn't chase after her. We aren't always going to spell everything out to you. and as your girlfriends we should not always have to. It is extremely hurtful when we are telling you our feelings and you can't give us ten minutes of your precious time. Hug us when we are crying, wipe our tears and tell us that you care about what we are saying, if you love us, then it's not a hard thing to do. We just want to know that you care, and no matter how tired YOU are, why we are upset is more important. Anyways, one good thing about this is I cried out to God more than ever last night and today. He is the only one that is ever totally and uncondtionally there for me. He is calming my heart right now. I think He is teaching me things right now through all of this. B/c I know I'll get my phone call and everything will be okay. Sorry for the rant. Again.

Boo for Change!

2006-05-26T12:49:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the month of May is already over, just a few more days and it's done. Time just seems to be going so fast. But life seems to be going by so slow. To me anyway. My best friend is moving in 30 days. 30 days. That's just a month away, and we will all be on our way to moving her in with Wally and Sarah. I'm sad, first of all because I thought I'd be the one getting to move in with them. But mostly because she will be too many miles away. I'm scared for her. But I know God will take care of her, and so will Wally and Sarah. I think I am mostly scared for myself. I don't know what I will do without her. I know I know I won't really be without her. But it mos def won't be the same. She won't be living 10 minutes away, she'll be 3 hours away. True she is still is the same state. But on the other side of it. She's practically my other half! I think this is going to be a difficult change for both of us. She is going on a journey, and I couldn't be more happy for her. I wish I could go too. But I still don't know God's plan for my life. I'm trying to figure it out. Moral of this entry...I don't want to say goodbye. Booo for change.

Things are looking up

2006-05-23T13:22:00.000-07:00

So recently things have been looking up. I'm getting back insync with God. It is a slow and hard thing to do but I'm trying. Fuel is a blast and a half. Oh man I am having a blast with the kids and everyone. I am getting closer with some of the girls too. It has just been a huge blessing. Kay and I start our small group for the eigth graders today. I'm a little discouraged because I know Adam doesn't really want me to do it. Sometimes I feel like he really doesn't like me. hmm idk. I'm not letting it get me down. I was really stoked for it last night after Fuel. I helped David load his car up. And I was just telling him how I could not wait to dive into this. And I got really excited and I was jumping up and down and shouting about it. And he was just excited for me. It was nice. Disclaimer: David and I are doing swell. actually it's our 6 months today! woo hoo, that was so junior high of me iknow but I am excited!

I still don't know what I'm going to do about Real Life. I think all I can do is pray and God will show me what to do.

well I have to go pick some girls up! Later!

In a glass case of emotion.

2006-05-13T21:20:00.000-07:00

So I've spent the better part of this week upset. I'm sure that is not hard to imagine considering my last rant on this blog. I just left David's a little while ago and I cried the whole way home not because we argued or anything. Surprise there since that is all we have done all week and it has been my fault. I just bawled my eyes out because, lately I just feel like the worlds biggest failure. I feel like I have to meet these expectations of people and not to mention my own expectations of myself. My parents only want the best for me and of me in school and I have failed...miserably. It is my own fault and I'm not whining. I just feel like I have let them down. College is really hard and I don't think I'm smart enough to do it. I should be almost done but I am not. I only passed one of my classes this semester and I can't get up the courage to tell them not b/c they will be mad, but because they will be disappointed in me. And I know I will have failed not only school but them. And it's so hard because I just want to be the best daughter for them and I am not stepping it up. And ministry has been the same as well. Someone made a comment to me a couple weeks ago and I just can't shake it from my mind. I have a passion for youth but I don't think I can do it anymore. I'm wrestling with leaving RL and it is so hard. I just don't know. Then all I have done lately is upset David. Way to go me. I definately won't be winning the girlfriend of the month award, this month or next either. We talked somethings out so it's a process and that is good. but I just feel like I can't be whatever he wants me to be. not that he says I want you to be this. Lately I just feel like an inconvenice and a jerk like all I do is stress him out. Then I just get so upset about all this all the time that I don't even recongize God anymore. I feel like I have to be and do so many things and I fail at them all. and I feel like no one understands me when I tell them all this. David doesn't get it, I don't know if I even understand me. I'm so frustrated right now. I miss God. I miss being passionate about him and serving Him. This too is all my fault. Everything is my fault. My faliling school and my parents, and leadership and especially ruining everything between David and I. How can I sit here and say I miss God? Is that even right? I mean He is here, He always has been He never left me. I was the one how put up walls telling Him I didn't need Him. And I don't listen to Him tell me, that I'm wrong and He knows b/c He made me I'm His masterpiece. I'm just trying to move forward and I just feel stuck and uncomfortable. Sometimes I dislike myself. I'm going to go pray for forgiveness, and peace, and guidance and comfort, and that I wouldn't be a crazy woman and ruin everything that I touch.

blahhhh

2006-05-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

So sometimes I really don't understand myself. I'm such a girl it's unreal. I've been mean to my boyfriend all day. For no reason. Well there were some reasons but for the most part not really. I know I'm completely PMSing. Sorry for any dudes who read this, which is probably not any dudes at all but you know. So I think I determined my reason for getting myself worked up sometimes. I think I'm afraid to be happy. Like, this is the first guy who hasn't hurt me or broken my heart and it's my I'm waiting for him to. I'm sure he isn't going to, at least that is what I'm telling myself. But deep inside I know he will. Then I get scared if I get upset with him to tell him bc I'm afraid he'll end the relationship. And sometimes I can be mean to him on purpose b/c I want to have him just end it so I can be hurt and then move on and be alone for the rest of my life. Mel says that this isn't illogical it's just my hearts defense mechanism. I think she is right, b/c she is my best friend and she is one of the smartest people that I know. Yet I really don't want to break up with him, b/c the thought of not having him in my life makes me sick to my stomach. I think I could marry him and that scares me too. I went to a wedding last night for two of my dearest friends who are so in love you can feel it when they walk in the room. And I had fun but I was so sad inside, b/c I think that that can never ever ever be me and David. Then it seems like everyone around me is getting engaged. And I'm happy for them. They don't have to look anymore or question who they are going to be with. I wish I didn't have to wonder anymore either. Then later tonight I got mad and I was about to tell him why and he was like walking me out the door bc he had to go to bed. I can understand that but it made me feel like he doesn't care about me or how I feel. but i can't tell him that b/c he would not understand and he'd get mad. but it makes me feel like it's not alright for me to be upset about anything. that's not fair bc it's natural to be upset in relationships. i guess the point is i'm stupid and i don't deserve love. hmm.

fuel and no school.

2006-05-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

So this week is going by soooo slowly. I think it is b/c I don't have school and I have been at work everyday this week. That's okay though, b/c I really love my job. I started serving at Fuel, on monday. It was interesting. I feel a little akward. But I think it will be really cool. We are doing an explosion tour and there are teams and Aaron stinkin' Edwards and I are leading a team and it's awesome. I think we are in the lead so far.
God is teaching me some lessons lately. I've learned pretty recently that, sometimes I don't give people a second chance to prove themselves to me, not saying that anyone should have to prove anything to me, that not what I mean. I guess I should say, sometimes I am narrowminded about a person's character, when I get a bad first impression. Does that make sense? lol. God is awesome and He's is rockin' my face off. I still haven't read my bible in a while. I need to get on that, or I will just fall into a drought again with God, and I don't want to b/c it's an awful thing. However I'd rather be going through something awful with God as my strength than everything being okay and not having God.

hhmmmm well stay stellar peeps.

Peace out Eastern

2006-04-28T12:25:00.000-07:00

Well, my last day of school was today. I can't be more thrilled. It was sad though because it means I won't be seeing Rochelle everyday anymore. Oh well, maybe God will place us in the same school again, I mean well still hang out but it will be different, not going to Eastern together. Hmm. Well I'm glad the stress and frustration of finals is over. I will be working everyday, which is awesome, I love my job. Plus extra cash is a blessing in itself. I'll be starting Fuel again monday, it's been awhile. I'm kind of nervous. ha.
I have been dating a pretty swell guy for 5 months now. I know it's really not that long. But when it's the boy you've always wanted to date and you're almost 20 and it's your first relationship, it's kind of long. We have been "arguing" a lot lately. I think it's mostly my fault, but he genuniely hurts my feelings sometimes. I guess I overreact about stuff. I don't have to dish details on the internet for everyone to see. I'm just venting. Whatever, there was no point to this I just am bored.

Easter

2006-04-17T16:56:00.000-07:00

Well it's been like a million years since I have updated. Sorry, I'm not very consistent with the posting thing I'll try to get better, for the two people that read this thing!!
Well yesterday was Easter and let me just say it was crazy. I woke up super early to be at Metro at 7 am to practice the Deliver Me drama that Real Life performed. It went well I think. Everyone was really stressed about and kind of snippy with each other, but we got er' did. I only caught the end of both services, but they were nice, I was so tired and sore I didn't really pay attention. I know that's really awful, it was Easter the one day I should pay attention. Just the craziness of the drama and the morning took over. Then we went to my gramma's house. By we I mean, the whole Capra gang! Including mom, dad, and David joined the craziness. It was fun, we ate, and ate and ate, which is what you do in are family, then we played cards and then more cards. I played with my cousin Zachary and Cheyanne, I love them. It was nice to see everyone and have David Charles there, it was fun. Then we went to Real Life, and by this time I was completely ready to just fall asleep and I didn't want anything to do with going to Real Life, but I knew not many leaders or kids would be there so I decided to grin and bear it. It's just amazing how the Lord can change your mind and attitude about something. Because as soon as Real Life began, my mood got better and the night was amazing. It felt like Real Life back in the day, in the basement. The lights were off, and we sat on the floor and just began in worship and sharing what God was doing in our lives. Duhame had a teaching prepared but as soon as we started worship I could tell God had other plans. All night we just praised Him in song. And students shared their hearts. It was awesome. You could fell God so much it was unbelievable. It was encouraging to see the kids worship. We sang Everything by Lifehouse, it's one of my very favorite worship songs, and I heard a student who just started coming to Real Life and newly accepted Christ shouting to God.

At one point Du (Duhame) described when he got saved. And it made me think of when I first started coming to Real Life. I remember being exteremly depressed and just wanting a friend. As the months passed I couldn't take my life the way it was anymore, and during worship we played Everything and I gave my heart to Jesus. And I remember that nothing really special happened. Well obviously that itself was special but I think I was expecting God to completely take away the heart I had and give me a new one right then and there, that from that very second on I was completely happy. Or that there would be fireworks, or bells or something of that nature, but there was none of that. I do know that after I accepted I had hope. Hope in Christ to restore and renew me, transform me into His intened beautiful masterpiece. There weren't fireworks and I did wake up in the morning still disliking myself, and being depressed, but I had hope. That's really important to understand I think, that Christ does change you but it's a process, but you have hope. Sorry that was off on a tanget but I thought about that last night. And how lately, I've been so far from God. Last night I got my hope back, and I know that I'm going to get things with God back on track again, I think this is just part of the process.

peace out my homies.

Romans 5:1

2006-03-22T12:21:00.000-08:00

Romans 5:1
"Therefore, since we have been made right in God's sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. "

Faith brings Joy